Feels like

When you don’t listen to that inner voice, your instinct, soul, whatever you choose to call it, not only do you begin to doubt yourself; but the voice gets fainter and fainter. I was so miserable in FL, from 2017-2019. But because everything looked good on paper, I stayed. Telling myself that it was wrong to feel so awful. I had great friends, lived at the beach, cake job. But my once in a lifetime relationship had disintegrated into being cordial roommates. I woke up with panic attacks every morning and fell asleep with an ocean of separateness between me and the person I wanted more than anything to be close to. They didn’t see a problem, other than me “being in a bad mood all the time”. Unwilling or unable to understand the simple concept of cause and effect. Yes, strangely, no emotional or physical intimacy, no shared passions and goals, no warmth or demonstrative love can actually cause depression-go figure. But I stayed, far far too long, hoping things would magically get better.

When something feels wrong-listen to that feeling. That is your spirit attempting to save itself from stress, strife, trauma and pain. In the last six weeks I’ve had several roads pop up and invite me to walk right on down. Some, I’ve taken just a few steps forward and noped out. With others, I got caught up in the idea of a “quick fix” and ignored glaring red flags waving frantically. Most recently, I really wanted to believe that something could be a shortcut to achieving all of the personal goals that have been marinating on the back burner of my psyche for the last year. To the point where the bottom of the pots are nearly black. If I had taken a few more moments to really listen to that voice inside, I wouldn’t have had any doubt that these paths were not mine to take. There’s a quote along the lines of; I’m at peace knowing that what is meant for me will never miss me and what misses me was never meant for me. Easier to read than feel or truly internalize.

I know every single thing I need to do in order to feel good about myself and my place in the world. I know the gifts I have to share, creatively and otherwise. When I take that time, those quiet moments; when the wind blows and all of a sudden you are the wind as opposed to observing it; that is grace. But life will bog you down with bullshit and minutiae until you almost can’t see which way is up. You can literally be wasting your precious time doing everything but what you want to be focused on; on a soul level. It is what it is can become not just an excuse to do nothing but the heavy leaden locks of denial keeping you away from everything you’re striving for. Listen to your instincts. Trust those feelings; even if they can’t be easily explained.

2 Comments

  1. You have learned a painful lesson and that one that will guide you ahead. Well written and powerful language. I can’t help but think you will use this lesson in the future to help someone else avoid what you suffered through.

    Like

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