Open

I’ve never had a problem jumping. Making impulsive decisions. Driving 4 hours to the beach on a random Tuesday. Swan diving off of a four story bridge into water in winter. Moving countless times. But I’ve noticed, in the last decade, decisions have become harder, more labor intensive, to make. And I don’t think that’s a sign of health. Endless ruminations, constant, maddening vacillation and consistently worrying about the minutia of each choice creeps up on ghostly tip toes as you get older. You can start to make major life concessions and look at options through a lens of fear rather than confidence, excitement or a sense of possibility. Life can erode the once boundless trust in yourself that allowed you to free fall so easily in the past. Rote routine can begin to seem safer than spreading those wings. My advice? Try not to let fear be the guide you listen to.

I have no idea what my future looks like; but for the first time in a long time I’m not concerned about it. If I could have thrown off the incessant, staccato beat of anxiety (my constant companion) earlier, I’d have given my IRA and sworn off chocolate for a year. But it truly hasn’t been possible until now. All rhyme and reason for that is lost somewhere in my overactive subconscious. But, fuck yeah. I’m damn grateful for the reprieve.

If you’re struggling, with the thousands of tiny obstacles that crop up during the day, or one of many, huge, life altering decisions we wrenchingly face on a regular basis; I urge you to just get quiet for a second. Breathe deep, like you’ve got all the time in the world. Hone in on your senses and feel where and how you are in the moment. This moment. Now. Make a space inside you quiet enough to hear yourself. Listen to that voice, even if it seems reckless, fickle or preposterous. Deep down, we know what we need. Tragically, all too often, the cacophony of everyday existence is enough to easily drown it out.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s