I took a step backwards today and I’m disappointed in myself. I woke up to a credit score drop of 30 points. While I’m thinking of buying a place and credit matters. This was PayPal credit (don’t be me: do not sign up for it). I’ve been using PayPal since they linked with Ebay back in the 90s when I was involved in trading rare limited edition horror. They’ve had my current banking and routing info and current cell number since 2005, unchanged. And yet, they claimed autopay wasn’t set up and a $30 charge had morphed to $65 with a late fee which magically knocked my credit score from the 800s to 700s. Anyone who knows PayPal knows that they already have your banking info in order to even apply for PayPal credit; the late fees are simply a capitalist scam. First world problems. And if I wasn’t constantly writing letters about medical bills, I’d have more patience.

I hate the fact that I allowed this to upset me. I felt that old, roiling, electric anger in my muscle fibers. Pulsing through, cortisol activated. The amount of times I typed motherfucker to the agent bot might have been excessive. But see, you can’t call them. After going through an extensive phone tree, you get an our call volume is too high, please visit our message center, good-bye and you’re disconnected. They do not have email. Your only option is to message an automated bot and hope, a few hours, or days later, a person actually responds.

That was a small inconvenience; but it’s indicative of a much larger problem. Lack of human connection. In today’s world we are all rushed. Faces in our phones. Most of our communication is virtual. So much is lost. We do not prioritize kindness, compassion and connection in the ways that our souls need us to. The way we’re living is in direct opposition to what will feed our spirits and ultimately heal the world. I’ve been optimistic, seeing the path forward and trying to live in what I believe by being an example. And I failed at that today.

Any advice I try to give here is also to reinforce my own goals. It’s a struggle to be the change you wish to see sometimes. Keep trying.

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