pation. Is there anything sweeter? Yes, but not much. Whenever I hear the word I think of one particular college winter break near the turn of the century. Beth and I spent the week hanging out in a large, drafty 4 bedroom house in College Park, MD. being typical wild whimsical 19yr old’s with fuchsia and cyan hair (respectively). All we did was drink mickey’s, smoke Marlboros and watch Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Wall. While talking endlessly about our futures. There may have been psychedelics involved, occasionally. The 4 guys who lived in the house probably thought they had a shot at dating us (though this was WAY before hook up culture took hold) but they were all respectful and sweet, letting us just be high, silly and safe in that halcyon phase between child and adult.
When I think of how wide open the world felt back then, I wish I could recapture that. There’s a line from one of my ancient poems; turn signal beckons/lands unknown before or since/leave ashes on my tongue, that encapsulates that feeling of excitement. The future laid out, overflowing with possibilities, just waiting for you to pack a bag, throw it over your shoulder and GO. I’ve always been so good at going. Drop of a hat, little money, unformulated plan-just get in the car and press the fucking gas. Being sent to boarding school as a teen made me live my life in a way where I’m never trapped, there’s always an exit route. And I am always in full control of where I am at any given moment. Until you have your freedom revoked, you have no idea how precious it is. I was lucky to learn that lesson early.
I’m trying to consciously harness that feeling again. Looking at the future through exhilarated eyes instead of these stressed out lenses. Wish me luck.